The Work Spouse
The history of why it happens, what is expected, and what is the best way to think of these relationships.
According to a CNN article, these are the signs you have a work spouse:
- You depend on a particular coworker for office supplies, snacks and aspirin.
- There are inside jokes that you and a specific co-worker share.
- You can be bluntly honest with this person about his or her appearance, hygiene or hair (and vice versa). You’re comfortable enough to point out that the other’s hair is sticking up — or that someone’s fly is down.
- When something eventful happens at work, this co-worker is the first person you seek out for a de-briefing.
- At breakfast, lunch and coffee breaks, your closest co-worker knows what to order for you and how you like your coffee (and vice versa).
- You and your co-worker can finish each other’s sentences.
- Someone in your office knows almost as much about your personal life as your best friend or real-life spouse does.
The reality of a work spouse for me was present at many IT contracts I had taken over the years. This lady and I both had long term partners. I had a wife I loved very much. This work spouse was my manager or a senior coworker and I was so good at reading her work requirements that my work was the last thing she ever had to worry about. We would laugh and tell jokes to each other. We both were funny and loved goofy things. She protected my work and sometimes we had lunch, like once per week where we did nothing but talk about home, kids, and it was very positive. Rarely there was flirting but it was innocent and did not go anywhere.
You spend a lot of hours with people you work with or for and you are going to make connections if you are outgoing, positive, a good listener, etc.
I never went into any contract with the intention of having a serious personal connection with anyone there. It just happened that people liked my energy. At one place it wasn’t just one person of the opposite sex but a group of men who liked to walk outside on each break. Being able to laugh at a leader’s jokes about the manager made them feel good. It didn’t matter if I agreed or not. Sometimes the work environment was awful. I needed that instant rapport because I was going to be there for three to twelve months and I didn’t want anyone to think I was a spy hired to tell of all the antics going on behind the manager’s or owner’s back. That particular site had a sick manager HR could write books about. The title would be, “What not to do or force on female coworkers.”
This brings me to my point, men and women who become friendly to the extent of any of the listed items above have to learn to read the person or the room. Consultants and contractors have to guard themselves. You don’t want anyone or everyone else at your job thinking you two are a couple. It’s insane how close you get to one person of the opposite sex. It’s best to keep your personal ideas and thoughts to yourself for a while and if the person working there is getting close to you, keep guarded for a while longer. I have seen men, mostly, drop a, “you smell nice” or “look tired” or try to change a management decision because of a personal relationship and be walked out of the building. I am not saying to be cold, far from it. I am saying be a good listener and give little personal advice unless asked. These work spouse situations come naturally without being forced. They come after a period of time. Just know and abide by the rules of this relationship. You are at work and there has to be rules and it is too easy to think you cannot be caught by coworkers and spouses if things progress beyond what is acceptable. When is that?
When coworkers and managers start asking about it.
Today we have a wonderful mix of cultures where you can connect with people from all over the world. People may seem very personal at good companies but you are there to perform. Be yourself, your business self and don’t allow anyone to draw you into something you are not ready for.
Men this is not the 1980’s where single men found a wife from the filing and steno pool.
If you ask me, Do men and women find their spouse at work still?
Yes they do and that is not what we are talking about here. The young single people at work still get Thursday and Friday night drinks or go to concerts, hang out together, couple up and get married.
Single young people are always finding each other at work.
If you are married and ask this question, you aren’t looking for a wife. Let’s be real here.
I see many articles about healthy work spouse relationships and I agree, when they happen, they can be an asset in a stressful or intense workplace but heed the warnings in the articles that talk about going too far. The interest should end when you leave the office whether you told your life partner or not. Do not be texting or calling after hours. Respect your boundaries even if your work spouse has none. Wives and husbands should know about these friendships but that is not free reign to take up your time with them outside of work.
If you are home and your work spouse is texting you and you have no scheduled work project to pay attention to, ignore or politely let them know you are with your wife. This would be a good time to mute the conversation. Why the hell does he or she have your number anyway?
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