The Breaking Point

At what point do I snap completely and go on a rampage of violence and keep on destroying myself and others until I am so broken that I have no choice but to start over or be destroyed because of my actions.

What if my breaking point is from trying so hard to make a business work that I cannot stand the stress of the mistakes and just fuck whatever and whoever will have me just to feel okay. The perceived vice gives me a certain amount of calm but the need for it comes back so strong so the cycle continues.

Who has a breaking point that is always yelling at their spouse or significant other and using them as a verbal punching bag. “Why aren’t you perfect? I am not perfect but you need to be!” screams the inner voice of the pressure the evil in this world demands.

We were born to a world and into a species that has no balance between what it takes to keep a partner happy, raise children, keep shelter over their heads plus a hundred other amenities they have been brainwashed to believe they need.

What happened to just existing, being in love with nature, eating off the land, finding shelter from the elements?

We allowed someone or something to take hold of the world and demand, “You owe me for your birth!”

They put a price on our heads and made it a life and death struggle to just survive. This struggle forced people to own, buy and sell other people.

This struggle forced one tribe to sell out others.

This struggle gave rise to religions that made rules out of struggle and what is demanded of you at the same time saying that the yoke of it is light.

Every man and woman on this planet at this point in time in history is trying to keep from killing themselves and others. The offices of mental health clinics and hospitals are crowded. People are shooting others, stealing from others, struggling to maintain some semblance of normalcy and it feeds the great big Id that grinds our existence to almost nothing and keeps us from a healthy beautiful life.

Today, I woke at 2:30 am with only two and a half hours sleep and completely wide away. I close my eyes and try to breathe slow and deep but I only see and feel the absolute white hot anger that is inside me. There is rage there but also a wall that keeps me from acting on it. I am a writer and small business entrepreneur who has not made more than $10 from it all year. My writing is blue and my pain filled lust is being written to entertain those who feel just like me. I have written for fun for almost two decades and I see a world of people, in charge, that expect more and more from the souls they have already drained and the nerves that are dead to morality.

When the person being pushed over the edge because they cannot seem to get a grasp on their goals and the tasks to accomplish them, are pushed too far their bodies and minds begin to crack. Maybe small, maybe large, and all because they don’t just want to accomplish, they need to. They have no choice or their people, families, will hurt, suffer, and could die if daddy or mommy cannot bring home the bacon.

This world of grinding pressure, stress, and the absolute depravity of being a slave while being told they are free, has them looking for accomplishments in any way shape or form.

Sex, for many people, is something so easy to get that is better than a drink, drugs, or a smoke. It’s the one thing that you can accomplish and feel like you did something. Then you have drinkers and drug addicts who use substances to feel the same “Okay-ness” that numbs their body into a state that allows them to get into the next day but it is a habitual process that destroys the body and the mind as well as whole families who suffer more instead of the user.

We keep going into abusers who have some moral wall at getting a blowjob or random fuck or lick another cock or pussy in a hole in the wall at two in the morning but take out their anger on their partners, parents, and children until they feel warm and fuzzy enough to do it all again tomorrow.

Then we fully devolve into your rapists, batterers, and killers, essentially complete animals who use force and control to feel accomplishment and sanity despite the pure evil of it all but this period of time in our history, the lowering of oneself into this category has been faster than ever. People have given up all other means of feeling accomplished and have landed here in the aura of complete darkness just to feel they are accomplishing something.

All of this vice and substitution because of accomplishments and the absolute need to grind your life away in horrible jobs because there is no real peace.

We all know there are consequences from broken relationships to decades in prison or death for these accomplishments. The calm the person feels though is temporary and the departure from reality and the sudden slapping back to reality destroys any hope of coming out of this life with any semblance of redemption while alive or after they pass on to the next one.

Religious organizations that have survived the purge of God and Higher powers in people’s lives have a nightmare of their own creation getting worse and worse, excusing things that people cannot help doing when they have no clue of their purpose and plans for their lives.

What if the church stopped preaching the same shit every week where they are telling people you have been born for a reason, a purpose, and you will find out at the right time, and instead actually work on revealing that purpose, actually pull them out of their funk, actually care about your congregation as well as the coffers.

Governments take our morality they were built on and cast them out telling their people don’t listen to the rules of religion. You need to smoke and drink and have lots of sex that most people get when they are smoking, drinking or involved in other vices. “Taxes must be paid and God doesn’t pay taxes!”

I could make up situations and try to connect some part of the world’s grind to why it is happening. I have my own and it flares up into nightmarish proportions in my own mind. My desire for the vice of random acts of sex builds into a froth that must be fed. Thankfully I have been blessed with knowledge that allows me to climb up higher into the goals I really want to accomplish and use the idea of that vice to get me there but this is my 50’s. It was not always so and the beast wants to release so it doesn’t carry over into the next week.

This morning I was sitting in meditation and felt this blinding rage of anger inside of me keeping me awake wanting to hurt something or someone. I have been given the ability to know God without some church spouting nonsense, be able to feel powerful emotions and observe them and manipulate them to leave my body so I can calm down and still I choose to ignore them because I don’t know how much more I can take of this world. I don’t want to die but I sure as hell will not follow the line of evil that is making our world ripe for the coming extinction. There have been five major extinctions on planet earth and wonder what caused each of those. Who or what manipulated the world into a frenzy that it had no choice but to give itself an enema and shit out a whole new epoch.

I am so lucky that my higher power has wrapped its light around me all my life despite the mistakes I have made along the way. I have fucked up so many times but I have had enough wins, I believe, to be taken cared of. I have goals that I work on. I exercise, barely drink and don’t use drugs or smoke but I am a fuckup in love. I am not happy with my choices in that arena but have no clue if it’s just the outcome I am looking for because of the amount of pressure the world is trying to place on me. I am saying, I am the one fucking up because it’s the only release I can fathom. The pressure, not from her, is making me want to just take care of myself.

It’s 5 am on the same day and I want coffee but will never get back to sleep so I will abstain and realize this; does the world want people to stop making connections and forming bonds because most people cannot handle the pressure of it or the world has a need to reduce the amount of people in it and demands we listen and stop fucking around with her planet.

A great relationship should not be so demanding but even my first marriage had pressures and pains to the level that scared me that I felt a certain amount of peace after she died. Oh I grieved for her loss so much. I loved her for 24 years but she is dead. Why did I feel relieved when I was in such pain?

There is so much I have learned in one life and now there is the bigger grind of COVID and survival. So many are so far from what I have learned that I cannot imagine what the rage is like inside them, the tempest of their soul, what their breaking point looks like?

Knowing how I feel tells me there are a lot of people who are going to die from their own hands or others. It won’t take a nuclear war to create a dystopian society like Mad Max, just more of the same until Mother Earth wakes up and kneads the dough that has been rising and proofing waiting for the punch to release the pressure and start over.

Whatever made homosapiens into slaves, into people who want more than others, into killers who will stop at nothing and have to be killed in order for there to be peace, you will not like it if we just stop doing your bidding and sit still. Decimation and war from one side if we drop your bullshit and tell the overlords to fuck off and extermination from the Earth if we keep grinding away and abusing her. This is a no win scenario and everyone must be eliminated above and below to keep it from happening again.

Is this our destiny?

How is this God’s work or God’s charge?

Seems like God is stuck in here with the rest of us. Does he have to kill himself to remove the entire realm?

I cannot sit still and do not like being unproductive. I relax when my children are laughing and lose it again when the toilet overflows or squirrels get into my soffits. Yes I am dealing with squirrels in my soffits.

I am not worried about my future because I found a relationship with my higher power. I will not reveal or try to get you to believe because I believe the raging anger has been inside me all week because it is very real in people all around me. People who I love, who don’t know what to do but scramble, push, and prod to survive. There is so much pain that you can either get caught up in or choose to ignore it lest it eats you up inside.

Humans cannot let anger fester. It has to be released or it forms a tumor inside them and the anger helps it grow so you are essentially creating the prognosticator of your death.

My honest feelings from mind, to heart, to gut is that sex is the option I want people to choose if they have to have a vice. Sex allows us to feel better with such beauty that we feel closer to the higher power that made us. Letting it wash over us without guilt, without jealousy, and without restrictions except for safety. It is a powerful activity that should be with people you care about. The world will not change overnight especially when there are places in the world where you can be executed for sharing your wife or another’s but for 80% of the world that doesn’t have a healthy outlet, do I want people to die or kill themselves?

Why did we allow men to tell us that sex was only to be used to make other babies?

These same men tell us that our bodies are made by their gods.

So why would our bodies have so many nerves in so many fun places if it wasn’t to enjoy?

Right at this moment I feel the anger slip away but also the need and desire for a bad habit. I have written what I was supposed to. I went back to bed and slept like a baby for a few hours.

Here I am on the same day editing for publication ready to sleep again. I look at this piece and wonder what good, if any, it will do but it’s here for you to ponder and please reply.