Temptation Doesn’t Like Love
There were a few times when I was still married that temptation reared its ugly head. I won’t get stuck on the word ugly because for someone who was a little boredom in their marriage, despite all the love and sex, there are situations that come up and you are faced with your desires in a way you didn’t think possible.
All of my life, up to 2010, when this situation occurred and until now, I have only been able to have sex with people who loved me as much as I did them. I had sex only with my wife since I met her. This would save me overall but it didn’t stop the downward fall from hugs, kisses, and roaming hands from friends, to, well lets begin where it does.
I was between I.T. contracts and the stress of being at home was taking its toll. I was not in spiritual control then and things like routine and rainy days bothered me. I could get out and go to the gym or visit my male friends but that wasn’t always fun.
So with this all in my head, I am looking at Facebook, the premier place to be when you are frustrated, yes I am being sarcastic, and happen to mention this to one of my childhood friends, a pretty woman two years younger than me at the time. I was 40 and she was 38. I remember the beating of my heart when she invited me over her house to watch movies and have a drink. The way my body felt at being asked to come over alone and hang out with a pretty woman who still looked like a young lady was like finding my penis for the first time and shaking it for a little while.
I honestly was not looking for anything sexual but it was a good feeling to be desired in a way that was. I did not know this at the time but realizing that my mind was doing the beast with two backs was routine for a writer who wrote sex scenes in his novels and got off with his wife about them.
Any good marriage has a healthy fantasy life and Elle and I made love and fucked twice per week to keep our love strong. She had me good in my heart and my groin and I wasn’t going to betray that. I tell you ahead of time that I did not fuck any other woman during our marriage. I would spend the time thinking about how I would feel the next moment or next day having to live with the guilt. I would say to friends who saw this obese, almost handsome, guy getting hit on and hugged by women who were just around us when we were out. I never went to clubs with friends until years later and I was much smaller. My best friend and I and the other few talented, fun, and smart guys we hung around with all had our game but getting a woman to sit and talk with me for a bit was mine.
So this woman has a name but I would never out a person so I will call her Ziva. I love that name and it’s short. I want to be seduced by a Ziva someday. Just kidding…not!
So Facebook, boredom, rainy or cloudy gloomy day, only my personal stress at home, kids in elementary to junior high. Not a good combination. When Ziva asked me to come up and watch a movie, I really wanted to go. I loved watching movies with my wife and she would make snacks but that was a night time thing after the kids went to bed.
This was 1:30 in the afternoon. I lied and said I was heading up to my best friend’s house and would be back in a couple of hours. I always asked if she needed anything and I was not going to tell her the friend was a girl. It could have been any non related girl and there would be angry accusing questions. I loved that she was jealous but I didn’t ever want to make her sad.
Elle says okay without any issue. She is busy watching a cooking show, she was very creative with food, and had to leave to get into the school line for the youngest ones. I worked and provided, she got the kids back and forth to school and made most of the meals. I did two a week and it was okay if one was take-out.
Heading there Ziva asks if I could get a bottle of wine and I didn’t think twice. There were many convenience stores between Manchester and Hooksett and I got one without thinking. It’s something nice a person should bring when coming to someone’s home for the first time.
I arrived and I was really nervous. I said and repeated to myself, “What the fuck am I doing here?” “Why am I so nervous?”
I had not ever been to another woman’s house without her parents being there. I had been with Elle since March 3, 1989.
I got out of the car, walked up the path and knocked on the door of her house but heard the garage door open and the short pretty girl I remembered being a lean thin knockout when we were teens comes around the corner and waves me into the garage and into a breezeway. She has not changed at all since high school. Her ass is spectacular in painted on jeans and there’s not an inch of flab anywhere. She was always small on top but that didn’t matter. She was blonde and had beautiful blue eyes. She wore glasses but so many in our 40’s and older do.
“Come in this way. I have dogs and cats,” she said. There was more but it was just related to them not getting out. I got it.
I went in and handed her the wine. She said to take off my coat and relax on the couch. It was a little on the cool side in her house but she was wearing a sweater and I was in a tee shirt under my jacket.
I watched as she poured herself a glass of the wine and came and sat down next to me. Her couch was a large L shaped sectional. She could have sat at least two cushions away but she was on the next cushion and said I could take off my shoes and put my feet up on the ottoman. There was the usual small talk and we caught up. I asked her if she lived here all alone. She had been married and there had been some kind of betrayal from him and here she was divorced. There was more. A lot more but I didn’t know anything more until later. She asked me a few things but not if I was married. My ring was on so I am sure she guessed and my profile said I was.
She put on the movie and for the life of me, I cannot remember the title, scenes, nothing except that it had music. This would prove entertaining shortly.
She put it on and asked if I wanted anything to eat.
I said no. I never ate in front of strangers that were pretty and hot. She asked if I wanted something to drink and I asked for a glass of water. She got me a bottle of water and sat back down. She looked at me and saw I was cold but not complaining. She pulled a blanket out of somewhere and put it over both of us and got closer.
I noticed she smelled so clean and there was a hint of Channel on her body. My heart skipped a beat. I should excuse myself but I didn’t want to be rude. We would watch the movie and I would sense her looking at me. I looked at her and she smiled. She had the look of someone who had a few glasses before I arrived. I saw her look, smiled, and asked, “What’s up?”
She took off her glasses, moved next to me, and kissed me. Shit, I had not been kissed by another woman intimately for two decades. It felt so good to have a woman be so forward. I kissed back. She wanted the kisses to be slow and patient. I sat there giving her what she wanted. I knew it was wrong but they felt so good. She wanted me to hold her, placing my hands on each side of her waist. She lifted one leg and straddled me. She was light and I could feel the pressure of my groin against hers and her gorgeous ass cheeks press into my legs.
Here I was starting to feel guilty but realized my stress was gone. No wonder some cultures and men have courtesans or mistresses to feel this way. This didn’t change my mind and I would overthink this later on like I did a lot of things.
Here was this five foot six inch, barely 100 pound woman being putty in my arms and kissing me like we were long lost lovers reunited. She must have been really lonely. There was music being played in the movie and she got off me starting to dance which consisted of her moving her ass up and down. I didn’t know that was twerking yet but here it was. She saw me watching her hot ass and moved it back towards me. “Rub it,” she said.
I rubbed it and grabbed it. I smacked it a couple of times and she chuckled. She wanted me to rub her ass slowly feeling every inch of her firm cheeks. She laid down on the couch and asked me to lay with her. I wanted to and I did. She was so small we could lay side by side and she kept on kissing and having me hold her tight. I kissed her and rubbed her ass. I loved her kissing so much. Her mouth and mine fit and I knew from experience that wasn’t always the case.
She was just a little tipsy but not drunk or blind. She knew well that I was married but she was so lonely. She kept holding and kissing, and I kissed her back. She never reached down to touch my penis or try and unzip me. I didn’t whip it out. I wanted to take it out, rub her ass and jerk off to it. It was spectacular but I just lay with her. She didn’t ask for anything more. I was okay with that. I don’t know if I could have gone through with anything more. I didn’t get the chance to find out because Elle texted my cell phone and asked to pick up something at the store on my way back.
I said okay and felt all my years with her well up inside.
Was I going to stay or go home?
I looked at Ziva. Her body and face were wanting. I couldn’t do it and I said, “Sorry hun. I need to get home.”
I looked at the clock on the cable box and I had been there about an hour and three quarters.
“Can you come back tomorrow?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. She came up for an extra deep hug and kiss. I pulled back and looked at her. I saw the pain in her eyes. She was so lonely. I know I have repeated this a lot in such a short article but it was intense and of course the friend and man I was wanted to comfort her.
Ziva was so pretty and gorgeous, I couldn’t understand how she didn’t have a lover or a boyfriend. I realized I never wanted Elle to feel this way. That formed my resolve to go and not let this happen again.
Ziva and I were never alone except the one time she was too drunk to drive and I drove her home. That had complications but I was able to escape that time as well. Pardon, I left the first time despite wanting to stay. The second time I had to escape but I wasn’t in any danger other than Ziva’s naked body almost the moment we went inside and her beckoning me to her bed. It was a new moon out and she said I needed to walk her to her door.
There were things that came out later with her when we talked in public with our friends or with me when they were talking about something else. We talked a lot on the phone. She was always with me somehow but never alone. She felt rejected but I couldn’t give her what she needed or desired.
Although I never purposely found myself alone with her again, I fell in love with her. Yes I am capable of deep intimate love without being with a person or touching them, in this case, again. It’s God’s protection over me but my downfall as a potential casual lover. Thank God.
She would be the person always there for me to talk to but when the time came that I found myself alone, grieving and sad, she made herself available to me but not her heart and flesh. I know it was for the best because I was not in a good place and needed space but at the time I wanted her touch again. I couldn’t handle having her deep love and not understanding her distance. I said stupid things and pushed her away.
Sadly her life took turns for the worst and her loneliness devolved into depression and alcoholism. I pray she is okay but I saw her in a dream this morning. She was so young and silly, making me chase her around someone’s house we were at and wanted me to meet her at her house. I tried driving there but I never made it before I woke up.
Do I regret not giving Ziva the time and physical love she needed from me?
Yes but that doesn’t mean that the terror and PTSD she felt from her failed marriage would have gotten any better.
I was lucky to have four parents that believed in marriage and relationships and how to keep them together and how they failed. I avoided the traps. My gut never steered me wrong. I had and loved Elle until the day she died and now in her spirit and memories forever. I wouldn’t give that up for anything.
Ziva was a friend who shouldn’t have looked to me for comfort but she knew I was a gentle loving soul. It’s just sad it would be nothing and destroy a good friendship.
