Emotional Rape. Is It Still Rape?
What do you call a female friend who was a good, honest, reliable companion who never crossed any lines, never made any passes, until my wife died and one fateful morning she took what she wanted, when she wanted, without my consent but I let it happen because I was burning up with so much pain and grief inside. She acted like a highly addictive drug and her actions were like the needle?
Is she a predator?
For so long I took responsibility and said, “I went there for coffee and conversation but should have known better.” or “I should have left, knowing I wasn’t ready.”
I blamed myself more than I blamed her but with everything that happened after I left her, the “fight or flight” that occurs when I am about to have sex with my wife, and the mind fog that occurs when I am able to penetrate tell me yes, she was a predator and in a way, a rapist.
A former group of so-called friends said from the moment I was introduced to her, that she was targeting me. I didn’t even know what that meant. I asked the three of them why they didn’t warn me. They said I was so reactive to her they thought it was what I wanted. They honestly couldn’t have known better.
I was together and married to my late wife for 24 years. I met her in a store she was working in and I was trying to sell to. I asked her out. I bought her dinner. I went in for the kiss. I spoke and seduced my girlfriend and then wife into bed for most of our lives. I was the prime, the alpha, and she was the willing putty in my arms. Our marriage, relationship and parenting was a rare gift few have today.
As for this female friend, I didn’t know there were women so selfish and controlling that they took men and women in such a cold manner that it was just for an orgasm and I will call you when I want, attitude.
Now a week after I put my wife’s urn into her grave, I was having coffee at her house. Let’s call her K. K sits me down, straddles my lap, takes off her clothes, and directs me to please her. When we were done, I said, “I didn’t know you loved me.”
I remember this statement clearly because I was someone who could only have sex if there was real love involved. I needed cuddling, whispers, dreams, and time after coitus. I remember her reaction being, “I was just horny and you have to go home because I have to meet my sister to go shopping.” (SIC)
I was numb and cold and thought I was okay. She was hot, pretty, smelled incredible but here I was outside heading home as if I was toilet paper.
What do you call this kind of person?
I just lost my wife, my world and she took from me something I did not prepare to give and did not give freely.
By taking me when I was the most vulnerable in life, is she a rapist, sexual predator, both?
Do I have the same rights to make the same claims as someone who is penetrated and says no?
She kept leading me on with the almost resemblance of love and caring for four months until my sister saved me. I realized I was being dragged along like a bottom feeder caught in a sex net that I would run to and willingly jump into any time she wanted me.
When my best friend and sister said to me, after having to calm me down from the pain and grief anxiety after a date with K for eight Sundays, “If you don’t get away from her now, I will stop taking your calls!”
Thank God she said that. No one comes between us ever!
I blocked everything about K; her phone, social media, text and then I began the healing process. I didn’t feel at the time that I was raped or molested. I didn’t know the events she caused as a predator would see me having horrible memories and shaking in my new wife’s arms six years later.
I put aside everything that she did as you would in a toxic relationship, if it was even that. I was lucky to get out of the honey trap.
What she did was like putting a needle of heroin inside of me and being there to give the additional doses. Looking back and comparing her to the woman I lost, it was night and day. She put herself where she did not belong and took my sexuality and destroyed it and then lined me up in a schedule of two other men she fucked on a regular basis. I did not find out about the others until the end.
Please understand that I was with a woman I was sexual with every day or our lives and even after twenty years we were having sex mostly two but sometimes three times per week.
Does anyone realize that a sexual predator finds and targets those characteristics in a person for their selfish desires?
Is this rape?
I know rape is not about sex but about control. I would say control is what K had.
I didn’t think so until an episode of Law And Order SVU that was different from a woman affected by a terrible rape that just happened. She was the victim of repeated abuses from a man who knew the victim had heavy grief. Even though the sex was consentual she was giving him what she desperately desired from her dead husband but then cast off and then re-netted on an ongoing basis. The predator was playing with his prey like a cat does with a mouse it doesn’t intend to eat.
After many years, she still could feel this person taking her, controlling her, and doing something she did not give permission to yes could not push away.
Isn’t that the definition of rape?
Is it any different for men, for me?
From June 2014 until three days ago I would have deep seeded memories and feelings about a woman I wanted to love and be my wife but was forcefully pushed away from any of those things. I have had zero contact with K but I have her inside of me and her existence has tortured me ever since but I didn’t know why. It is then I realized that I was having the same emotional scars that rape victims do. Since K’s actions, I have not been able to be the alpha with women I had dated and then when I met a great woman and the real problems started: there was a loss of the trolling action K was dangling in front of my nose all the time. People on heroin experience this longing desire many years after they stopped.
I have not been able to be emotionally forward or able to introduce the act of seduction into my current relationship. I still have psychological ED when I am in the alpha positions and only have reasonable actions when I am in the vulnerable ones.
At night, I lay next to my current wife thinking about a romantic and sensual love making session we could do right at the moment. I get excited but then something dark in my mind occurs and I am not able to commit and perform. This has almost caused my marriage to fail. Now I need to go to therapy again because I did not realize what was happening to me.
I know after 7 years there is no legal action to take. Where is the justice?
I am not angry but my insides are messed up. Things that used to be so wonderfully gallant and seductive in my natural course of being me with the woman I love, feel gone. How do I get that back?
Please understand I know there is a difference with females and men who are raped by penetration, violence, control, etc. I had to write a rape scene for a novel long ago and my late wife made sure I researched the hell out of it to get the character right. It was the motive for my character to kill her attacker later on.
I know in addition to the recovery, trauma, and years of PTSD, they have the emotions I am dealing with and the inability to be as they once were.
So if a man has been violated and held against his will even though I was not shackled in physical chains or strong arms, is it the same crime?
If not, what is it called?
People who know me know that I do not look for scapegoats when something happens. I remove myself from the environment, look for my blame in this, take responsibility and live differently from there on but I have ruled out so many things and here I am realizing she is a criminal that will never serve time.
People like K have done this so often they have their pattern down and keep silent knowing that men and women she takes control of will never say anything. I am saying something in the only way I know how. I am writing about it. Please share your feelings, ideas, and anything you want below.
I once believed the “look out for rape mentality everywhere” being taught in high school and colleges was too much for men to handle but there needs to be a shift to present this topic equally to men and women and not victimize either side. Taking something that doesn’t belong to you has no gender and there are people everywhere dealing with emotions they think are their own faults. When your emotions are used against you and against your will to stop them, there needs to be justice.
I honestly don’t know how to end this article. I feel stupid, ashamed, and grossed out by what happened. She destroyed our friendship but then was there really ever one at all?
